Boundaries vs Control

The difference between attempting to control another and setting a boundary is whether the focus is on the other person (control) or on you (boundary).

FIRST EXAMPLE

If my partner becomes unpleasant to be around when he or she drinks, I focus on the impact that their drinking has on me and I address that in my boundary statement.

Instead of saying: I want you to stop drinking.

I say:  I don’t like to be around you when you are drinking.  

I might go on to say:  If you decide to drink, I will not want to spend time with you while you are under the influence, so don’t come to see me until you have sobered up.

SECOND EXAMPLE

If my partner has a problem  with infidelity, I can only focus on what I want and need in a relationship.

Instead of saying: I want you to stop sleeping with other people.  

I say:  I want to be in a monogamous relationship.  

I might go on to say:  If you continue sleeping with other people, I will, by definition, be unable to have a monogamous relationship with you, and therefore, I will end the relationship.

NOTE:  Fundamental to the concept of boundaries is the fact that we all have choices.  When you set a boundary, there will be consequences for you as well as for the other party. The other party may choose not to honor your boundaries.  Think carefully about the bottom-line statement you make concerning your boundary, because you must be willing to follow through on what you say you will do.